Lesson #5 | You can't live life in the blue part of the flame

Well... you can.

This lesson is in progress. I invite you to join me. The paradox (well, one of them) when you experience life threatening illness is that you become acutely aware of resources. Because all at once, you have less of everything. Less energy. Less money. Less time.

But you don't have less dreams, less needs, less longing. You have more. And there is an urgency attached to living the dreams, needs, longing. Because hey, tomorrow is no longer promised.

It was hardest in the context of my children. I would long for them, but was too sick to care for them. I would remind myself that this is temporary. I'll get back to them soon, before Christmas actually. But boy was it hard. I would watch my children playing with my wig or hiding in the cupboards (hide and seek - don't be judgey). I wanted...but I couldn't.

And then the Chronic Fatigue. Nope... not yet my body was saying. That flattened me. "But I don't have time", I almost wailed at my psych, as she helped me rise from another over-exertion collapse.

"I know" she said kindly. "I know it feels like that, but life cannot be lived in the blue part of the flame. It's too hot. You're burning yourself out and overwhelming the people you love".

"Then how. How DO I LIVE?"

It turns out, that was on me to figure out.

So, my friends, that's what I've been doing in the last 13 years. Feeling the burning of the blue flame. Nodding to it. Letting it drive my clarity but not my behaviour. This patience process is not my choice. If I could make the world move at my pace I would. But I can't. And the burn is real. So I meet people where they are. I long for more. I accept the grief that comes with the gap.

Cancer is teaching me, everyday, that you can't live in the blue part of the flame.